Apr

Why is Acceptance so Difficult?

If we’re honest, most of us want something else in our lives. Whether it’s a different job, more money, better health, a different house, slimmer thighs or smaller ears, we usually want something. Sometimes a particular situation is so stressful that we just want things to be different (we’re in debt and desperately want to be debt-free or have a painful health condition that we want to be rid of). That’s a lot of energy that’s taken up with wanting things to be other than they are.

One thing that people often miss, though, is that the key to making any change in your life (no matter how large or small) is to first accept where you are now. That doesn’t mean you have to like it, just accept it. When you think about it, you can’t really do anything else because the situation already IS.

Since I know that the best way to bring about any lasting, positive change in your life is to take action, as opposed to simply wishing things were different. I recently started a series of weekly video challenges. They are designed to give people a simple challenge each week to focus on. So that they’re doing one thing every day to change, improve and grow. This week’s challenge is acceptance, and I know I’ve struck a chord because I’ve received quite a lot of feedback from people telling me that they are experiencing some resistance to this challenge.

Now to me, when something makes you feel uncomfortable like that, it’s actually a good thing. When you get outside of your comfort zone and do something new, particularly something that can have a powerfully positive impact on you and your life, it’s probably going to feel uncomfortable and you might find yourself resisting it – this means that the process of change is starting.

Most people tell me they know that accepting is a good thing to do and that they do need (and want) to do it, but for some reason they find it difficult, uncomfortable and a little stressful. I find it difficult to do myself sometimes (as you’ll discover from the video challenge). It’s so much easier to slip back into resistance and fighting against the situation we don’t like, isn’t it?

Let’s think about it though. Is it realistic to think that things are always going to go exactly the way you want them to in life? Is it realistic to think that you’ll never find yourself in a difficult or uncomfortable situation? Or that you’ll change and grow out of something (like a job or a relationship) and find yourself needing to make a change, which feels uncomfortable? I can assure you that there isn’t anybody who doesn’t experience these things. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, if you live in a mansion, if you’re in the best job ever, you are not exempt from life challenges and difficulties cropping up from time to time.

The problem is, when these things do happen and you find yourself in a situation that you didn’t want, the most common reaction is to resist it. You don’t like it, you don’t want it, you fight against it, you complain about it, you become very unhappy about it. The mind takes over and your thoughts go round and round in your mind about how unfair it is, how unhappy you are, and so on. It happens to all of us. So what does that achieve? Nothing – except stress, anxiety, fear, all of which have a very negative effect on yoru physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.

So what does eacceptance mean exactly? Often people confuse acceptance with giving up, meaning that if they accept the situation then it means they have to stay in that situation for ever. But that’s not the case. Acceptance simply means, as Eckhart Tolle so brilliantly puts it: “surrendering your resistance to life.” It means you acknowledge that the situation is as it is. It already is, so denying that fact won’t help. When you simply acknowledge and accept the situation and acknowledge and accept the way you feel about it (this makes me feel upset, angry, fearful, and so on) in the process of acceptance you have given yourself the opportunity to change the situaiton. When you resist it, you are actually keeping yourself there, in the very situation that you want to change.

When you can accept the situation and how you feel about it, rather than trying to change anything or fighting against it, the first thing that happens is that your mind stops. You calm down. Your body feels calmer. You can breathe. It is as it is. I accept that. THEN comes the really wonderful part – your mind becomes clearer and you can find that either solutions to your dilemma appear in your mind, or that the right person or people show up in your life to help you, or even that the problem starts to disappear on its own. It is only when you have accepted that you can take action, because then you will know the right things to do.

Yet even when we know that, acceptance can still be difficult. That’s okay, accept that acceptance is difficult sometimes. This becomes even more powerful if you use a journal to write about how you feel and what comes up for you as you struggle to accept something you don’t like. You can complete the following sentence: “I am finding it difficult to accept this situation because….” or “I am afraid that if I accept this situation …. will happen.” You get the idea. This exercise can be very revealing and is a great way of uncovering the limiting beliefs and emotions that got you into the situation in the first in the first place.

Yes, it can be difficult, that’s why I’m using it in my video challenge – to challenge you (and myself). And when you do the things that are difficult, the things that you fear most, the things that you feel most resistant to – wonderful things can happen. So I invite you to take the challenge. And of course, let me know how you get on.