I’ve been married for 17 years now and I admit, as I’m sure my husband would too, that it hasn’t all been plain sailing. You can’t live with another person all that time and not have times when you’re upset or frustrated with each other. When there are misunderstandings and conflicts. It’s going to happen. The question is, what do you do when those things happen? How do you handle it?
It’s easy to handle the good times. When you’re feeling great, your partner is feeling great, when you’re doing fun things and when you’re able to communicate with each other easily and effectively. But what do you do when that’s not the case? When one of you is not feeling good, or is under stress at work, or the kids are driving you crazy, or you have financial stresses. That’s when you have an opportunity to grow together – and it’s how you make it through those times and how you work through them together that counts.
There’s no getting around it, we communicate differently. I think the cartoon above says it all. Ladies, be honest, how many times has your husband asked you where something is and you just know that he’s expecting you to drop everything you’re doing and help him find what he wants? And how many times has that driven you crazy? The cartoon above is funny because it’s how we feel. Now when my husband does that, I say to him “what I’m hearing is that you want me to drop everything and run to find what you’re looking for,” and now we’re able to laugh about it.
But what if we took all of those instances as opportunities to learn how to communicate and how to grow? When we do that, we have more respect for each other. We each learn what our partner needs and how we can provide it. When they feel safe and secure and loved, they have no need to look elsewhere to find that. We may think that’s what we’re already giving them, but are we really giving them what they want?
At an event recently I was discussing this difference in communication and getting what we want in a relationship with a man who had just recently had a major insight into what his wife really wants. Even though they had been married for many years, he’d only just ‘got it.’ He could never understand why she never seemed to appreciate his gifts. He would bring home flowers or buy her jewelry and other gifts as a way of showing his affection. That’s what women want isn’t it? He was showing his love for her by buying her things. But she didn’t really need him to buy anything to show his love. What she really wanted was him to do things for her. Practical things – like doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher.
He was absolutely dumbfounded that this was what she really wanted. He’d spent years trying to please her with gifts. The truth is that each of us has our own needs. One person might truly appreciate gifts and the thought that went into buying them. Another might prefer words of affirmation, or quiet time spent together. Someone else might just be in heaven if you help around the house once in a while. When you understand what you need and what your partner needs, and are able to give that to each other, that’s when the relationship can truly flourish. That’s when you really get the love you deserve and can give your partner the love that they deserve.
You have to understand something about yourself first to be able to do this, and then be willing to truly understand your partner. And your environment can play a big part in this too. Creating an environment that honors and supports both partners is crucial. Do each of you have a space you can call your own, for example? And I don’t just mean that your husband is relegated to the garage while you’re confined to the kitchen. Does your bedroom represent your relationship? Is it a place where you both feel relaxed and rejuvenated? Does it feel romantic to you?
There are many ways that we can work to improve our relationships and that’s something we need to work on every day. Being willing is the first step.
Join me and Relationship and Gender expert, Carolyn Casey for a very insightful 4-week tele-seminar series, where you’ll be given all the tools you need to help you and your partner each get the love you want and deserve. You’ll find more details here:
Tags: Feng Shui, Feng Shui Home, Feng Shui love, Feng Shui Relationships, Relationships
July 11th, 2010 at 4:46 am
Hi Linda, I love your story about the man who finally understood what his wife wants…. there is a great book that helps with this called The Five Love Languages. I bet the man’s love language (which made him feel special) was gifts, and her love language was acts of service.
Until I understood the difference, I was always using my love language to make my husband feel loved — but it didn’t work because it’s not his language.
Is that something you will be discussing during your teleseminar?
July 11th, 2010 at 7:39 am
Yes Julie. In the second session we will be talking about that book and the Love Languages. We’ll be helping people identify which is their love language and how to identify their partner’s love language as well. It’s very interesting. Also, there’s something that Carolyn teaches about it that you might not get from the book – it’s something every woman should know about their partner. We cannot use our love language on our partner – it just doesn’t work for them because they have their own.