Being patient and waiting for things to unfold seems to get harder and harder. One of the reasons is that we are now so used to instant results that we expect them. Do you remember the days before computers, when you had to do things by hand, such as sorting through lists, typing out individual letters because there was no mail merge, adding numbers up and making calculations yourself? Do you remember when you had to load software onto a computer using disks and it could take about half a day?

These things all seem so long ago now, but they’re not really that long ago. Now, you get impatient if the computer doesn’t respond instantaneously or if the microwave takes a whole 60 seconds to heat something. You’re used to instant results, and you want them all the time, in every situation.

If you don’t feel well, you expect the doctor to give you something to make you feel better immediately so you can get back to doing what you need to do. Over the years you may have gained weight and now, despite the fact that this has happened over a period of years, you want a solution and you want it to start working now.

Waiting has been on my mind quite a bit lately, which is why I felt inspired to write this article, because I’ve had to do quite a bit of it and I’m learning how to wait more effectively and to be more patient – with others, as well as with myself. One example – I’ve just relocated to a new State, and since I’ve been here I’ve been living in a hotel until we found the right house to rent (which we just did), then I had to wait while they processed our application, I had to wait while the owners considered whether they would allow pets or not (they will), and now I have to wait a couple of weeks until the current tenants move out and our movers can move our stuff in. Of course, now that I’ve found the right house I want to move in right away!

It really can be excruciating, this waiting, and up until now I haven’t been very good at it. Waiting is a tricky time because it’s when the mind wants to do something. It wants action. And so this is often when different scenarios will start going through your mind of everything that could go wrong. This is when, if you’re not careful, you can actually sabotage your efforts by focusing on the different stories of what might happen. Since you really can’t control anything during this waiting period, you start to worry and feel stressed and anxious, making the situation much more difficult than it needs to be.

One of the things that I’ve learned to do during periods of waiting is to surrender the situation. Here are some suggestions to help you do that:

• Let go of wishing things would go faster or any differently – accept this is how it is
• Any time you find yourself thinking of what might go wrong, acknowledge the fact that you are worried or concerned, and pay attention to what you feel and where you feel it in your body
• Write about what you’re feeling or worrying about in your journal
• Write out all the possible scenarios – acknowledging them and what you might do in each situation can be helpful because it gets everything out of your head and onto paper, making it seem more manageable
• Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of – and write about it
• Let go of the fear – you can only let go of it if you first acknowledge it and are willing to see what you’re really afraid of. Don’t try to squash it, bring it out into the open by acknowledging it
• Give yourself something to do – ask yourself what you can do now. There’s always something you can do. Keep yourself occupied and you’ll find the time goes by much faster without you worrying about it
• Do something fun – when you relax and have fun you allow the energy to flow freely and the situation can unfold in the way it needs to without your attempts at control – and you feel so much better

Waiting and being patient can be difficult. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re having a hard time with it, and at the same time, see how you can let it go. Ask for help. Ask for guidance. Be willing to see what you can learn from the experience. You’ll find the time goes much faster and things will go much more smoothly.

Now, if only I could get into that house today……………………

You know how it is, you’ll be at a family gathering and someone will make a seemingly innocent comment – at least to someone on the outside it might seem like an innocent comment – and you find yourself getting angry, feeling upset or frustrated. You may respond with an insulting comment, and what should be a happy time turns into a stressful occasion.

Before you know it, you find yourself getting all worked up over something that really shouldn’t be significant, but to you it is. Perhaps your mother comments that the color of your dress doesn’t really suit you, or that she preferred the haircut you used to have. Or your sister boasts about a new promotion when she knows you recently lost your job or you don’t have the job you really want. Somebody might ask if you’ve gained weight – when you thought you were looking pretty good.

The thing is, taken in isolation these comments really don’t mean anything. But you have history with these people. They are your family. They know all about you and when they make comments like this it hurts. You may even find yourself dreading family occasions or holiday times generally because you know what’s going to happen. You may find the stress building for weeks of months beforehand because you know that somebody will say something to upset you.

Why is it that the people we love the most can also be the people who hurt us the most? Whether they see that they are hurting you or not, there is a way to deal with situations that gives you your power back – because when you allow people to hurt you in this way, you are giving your power away.

The thing is – you usually know they’re going to do it. So if you know they’re going to do it, why does it still upset you? Here are a few simple steps you can take that can help you to turn the situation around, and that may even help to improve your family relationships – and help you enjoy family occasions:

1. Accept that this is who they are and this is what they do – if you know this is what they do, then you have to stop hoping, wishing or expecting that they will be any different. Stop thinking that this time it will be different, or if you just did this or said that they would see you differently or treat you differently. If you know this is what they do, then accept it.
2. Recognize that it isn’t about you – I know that it feels as though it is, but really it isn’t. If somebody ever feels the need to insult someone else or judge them or find fault, it’s not about the other person, it’s about them. When you realize that it really has nothing to do with you, even though it may be directed at you, it can ease the pain and stop the need for you to respond.
3. Release the need to respond – when you respond, either by getting upset or angry, by saying something hurtful back or trying to justify or explain yourself, you are simply feeding the negativity. Don’t give it any energy. See if you can take what is said and simply just not respond, or respond in a more positive way – such as “thank you for sharing your opinion,” or “I’m really happy for you” (and mean it.)

 The thing is, we expect our family members to love us, and to treat us with love and respect. But in reality the things they say or do feel anything but loving and respectful. Learn to let go of your expectations that they could or should behave differently or should ever have behaved differently. It is what it is. Don’t put any of your energy into it. When you withdraw your energy, there is nothing there. You may even find that they start treating you differently because of it, but don’t expect that. Simply accept and withdraw your energy.

Focus on keeping your energy positive and uplifted – then you really can enjoy any holiday gathering.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t take action – you need to take action. But my tendency, like many others I know, is to be thinking that I have to take action all the time. Because if it doesn’t happen right way, you have to keep going until you make it happen, right? Wrong.

The other mistake people tend to make is to think that if it doesn’t happen right away then it’s not going to happen, or it’s the wrong thing, or you’re doing something wrong. There’s a great tendency to over-think and over-analyze things. What I’ve been shown again and again, and was really highlighted for me this week both with my own experience, and that of one of my clients is that it’s so much simpler than that.

It seems that surrendering something, once you’ve set a goal or intention, can be one of the most difficult things to do. Knowing when to take action and what action to take, and then knowing when to let go and allow it to manifest can be challenging. We second-guess ourselves all the time.

I believe there are two main things we need to do:

1. Set your intention but let go of all attachment to exactly  how it happens or how it shows up. It’s good to be clear about what you want, and it’s good to have a plan of how you might accomplish it, but don’t be attached to those things. When you let go of the attachment, you actually open yourself up to the possibility that what comes could be even better than you thought it could be. When you let go of needing to know exactly how you’re going to accomplish it, you open yourself up to the possibility that it can come to you much more easily than you thought and with a lot less effort on your part.One of the things I often find with clients is that when they do this and they start to experience fantastic results they often start to feel guilty because it was so easy. There is this belief that’s been ingrained in us that everything has to be hard. You can only achieve success if you work really, really hard for it. If something comes easily it must be wrong. Well I don’t know about you, but I’ve done it the hard way for many years and that is a belief that I am very ready and willing to release.
2. Be very self-aware. It is only through self awareness that you will know when to take action and when to stop. It’s the only way to know if what you want is really in alignment with who you are and what is best for you in your life. You have to know yourself, understand yourself, know what energizes you and what drains you. You have to know what feels good and what feels like a struggle. You have to  know when your mind is trying to take over by analyzing everything to death. You have to know when your mind is trying to sabotage you or when others are trying to sabotage you. You have to understand your unique skills and talents, what things you love to do and what you find most challenging.

The more you practice these two things, the more you’ll find yourself manifesting what you want in your life with ease. Can you accept that it doesn’t have to be hard? Can you accept that you deserve to accomplish what you want more easily? Can you let go of the belief that everything has to be a struggle? If you’re ready to let go of those beliefs, then hold on to your hat, because you may just get what you ask for. So the real question then becomes – how good can you stand it?

If you’ve ever identified an old, unhelpful belief or some negative patterns that have held you back, you’ll know how very liberating it is. You move from feeling stuck to knowing that anything is possible.

There’s a very simple way to know whether you are holding yourself back in any way and that is to look at the results that you are currently experiencing in each area of your life. If they are not what you want and don’t feel good then you know there is something controlling you (beliefs and conditioning) and if you want to change things you need to break free of those patterns.

You can blame outside circumstances – the economy, your job, other people – but the truth is that whatever you are experiencing is in your life because you attracted it. It’s not true that everybody is suffering because of the economy, many are, but many are experiencing more success than ever before as well. If they can experience success then you can too.

Speaking as someone who has been stuck in just about every area of life, I know from my own experiences, as well as those of the clients I work with, that when you change your beliefs, conditioning and programming, then your life circumstances change. If you try to force the change from the outside, it doesn’t work – I know because I tried for years!

So if you truly want to celebrate Independence Day – to celebrate not just the independence of the country, but your own independence, then change what’s going on within you – that’s when you will really have cause for celebration.

So why would someone think they want something that they don’t really want? There can be many reasons, such as:

Everybody else seems to want it, so they believe they must too. For example, when we were on a cruise recently, there seemed to be a tremendous buying frenzy around diamonds. The cruise line offered many presentations on the places to buy diamonds. They offered sales on jewelry on board the ship, and so on. Everywhere we went people were trying to sell us diamonds and the majority of people wanted them – we didn’t. The assumption is that every woman wants lots of diamonds. And that may be true for many women – it isn’t for me.

Family/friend pressure - if everybody you know thinks your life should be a certain way, you can end up believing them without really stopping to think about it.

People tell you this is what it takes to be successful. I know someone who has become a very successful business woman. She is now coaching other women to make lots of money in their businesses. One of the ways she markets herself and her success is to show off her beautiful closet filled with wonderful clothes and shoes, her house on the beach, here wonderful car. And that’s exactly what many women want. But it’s not what every business woman wants. You may think that thee are things you should want, that you should strive for, but they may not really fit your personality.

So how do you know whether what you want is really what you want? Here are a couple of ways that might help:

• Ask yourself why you want this particular thing or particular goal. What will it do for you? How will life be different when you have achieved it? How will you feel? This can often reveal a hidden disconnect with what you think you want.
• If you have been struggling to achieve this goal for some time, complete this sentence: “I’m afraid that when I accomplish … I will …” This can reveal hidden fears and anxieties around what you think you want.

If you have been striving for a goal for a while and it’ s just not happening for you, it may be time to re-visit the goal to find out if it really is what you want. Be honest with yourself and be open to whatever answers you may find. Most of all, understand that it’s really okay for you not to want the same as everyone else and it’s really okay if others can’t understand why you don’t. They don’t have to – it’s just important that you do!

Here are 5 steps that will help you to reclaim your power and handle the situation in a state of grace and peace:

1. Accept what is happening. It is important that you accept what is. Resisting it simply creates stress and there is no point in resisting it and saying “this shouldn’t be happening to me” because it already is. You don’t have to like it, but the fact is – it’s happening. So when you can calmly accept the situation you are staying present to it and you are much better able to deal with it.
2. Pay attention to how you feel. Your body gives you may messages but you may often ignore them. When feelings arise that are uncomfortable, we either want to dismiss them or stifle them. Instead, allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. You may get an anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your chest might feel tight. You may feel stiffness in your neck or back, or you may get a headache. Whatever it is, allow yourself to feel it without judgment. Notice where it is, what it feels like and surrender to it without fear. Most often when you do this you will find that after a few moments the feeling will dissipate and you will be left feeling much calmer. If you try to change the feeling, deny it or stifle it, then it doesn’t go anywhere – it just stays with you and continues to affect you.
3. Be willing to learn. Ask what you need to learn from this situation. It’s come into your life for a reason, there is an opportunity here for you to learn something and grow. Perhaps you need to change something you’re doing. Perhaps you need to change how you feel about and treat yourself. Perhaps you need to release judgment of others. Whatever the situation is, it’s in your life for a reason. When you are willing to learn the lesson and receive the guidance, then the situation won’t need to be in your life for long. If you fight it, then it will continue to be a problem for you for some time – you’re giving your power away. If you accept that there is something to learn and even look for what that is, you’ll get the lesson much sooner and won’t need the situation any more.
4. Be open to solutions. When you surrender to stress and anxiety about a situation you are closing yourself off to possible solutions. But when you surrender to the situation, accept that it is happening and stay calm, you leave yourself open to receive answers. Ask what you can do right now to help the situation. Be open to whatever comes. Solutions may come in a variety of ways. You may get an idea, or someone may come into your life who can help you, or you may be introduced to a book that has some answers or hear something on the radio or television that relates to your situation. Sometimes the answers that come are subtle, so you have to be ready for them. They may not always come in the way that you think. Be open and receptive and the solutions will come.
5. Take action. You may not know what to do to completely resolve the situation. But there is always something you can do right now – you just have to be open to whatever that is and do it. Perhaps the first thing you can do right now is research, perhaps it’s finding someone else who has experienced a similar situation and come through it. Perhaps it’s removing yourself from the situation, and doing something completely different, then coming back to it. Often when you do that and come back to the situation you suddenly know exactly what to do or what seemed like a problem before no longer is a problem.

All too often we give our power away and feel like victims when something happens that we don’t like. Stop giving your power away. Just follow these simple steps and notice how much better you feel, how much more in control and how things are resolved much more easily. And do feel free to share your experiences – we can all learn from each other!

I encourage you to read the article for yourself, but in the meantime, I’ll summarize it here.

When you find yourself obsessing about someone else – something they have said or done – and you can’t get it out of your head, what’s really happening is that they are mirroring something about you that needs your attention. The term psychologists use for this is perseverating. The problem is that as we are complaining about what the other person has said or done, we usually don’t recognize that we have the same kind of behavior – and that is what is being reflected back to us.

In the article, Martha outlines an exercise that she created that is perfect for helping you identify what’s really going on and make the changes that your subconscious mind is showing you are ready to be made.

Step One – think about a negative person. Someone who has been on your mind so much that you find yourself going over and over something they have said or done. Or you find yourself constantly thinking about them and what it is that you don’t like about them or their behavior.

Step Two – take a paper and pen and write a letter to them. You’re not actually going to send this letter, but write it as if you were. Start with Dear … and then write what you really think about them in your lowest moments. Write out all the things that you have perhaps been trying not to think, but the more you try not to think them, the more they are in your mind. Be brutally honest. Write every thought that comes up.

First of all I think this helpful because it gets everything out of your head. It gets all those thoughts and the emotions and feelings that go with them out of you and onto paper, which is a healing exercise in itself. But Step Three is where the real revelations come.

Step Three – when you have fully expressed your thoughts in your letter to this person and you feel you have it all down on paper, cross out their name at the top of the letter and write in your own. Now read the letter again, as if it’s written to you. Ouch!

Martha explains that it’s important not to try to defend yourself, but absorb it thoughtfully and without resistance. Having read the letter to yourself, you may recognize the ways in which you’ve been exhibiting the very traits you’ve been berating the other person for. If you really can’t see it in yourself, perhaps look for ways that you attract this behavior into your life by allowing others to treat you in a certain way. Or does it trigger memories from childhood of someone who had similar behaviors? Be open to seeing what it is that you need to see – what this person is mirroring for you. Because when you do see it, you’ll be ready to release it.

Step Four – choose someone about whom you have very positive thoughts. Someone you admire or are grateful to. It may be someone you know personally but it doesn’t have to be. Again, write a letter to this person, this time telling them all the things you like about them, appreciate about them, are grateful to them for. Let all your positive thoughts and feelings flow. Be as descriptive as you can.

Step Five – once again, change the name at the top of the letter to your own name. Read the letter, this time knowing that you are talking to yourself. You are telling yourself the things you appreciate about yourself. The things that this person is mirroring for you.

This is a very powerful exercise and I think it will really help you to understand more deeply the concept that the people we think about are truly mirrors of ourselves – both what we like and what we don’t like or want to change.

Be very open and honest as you do this exercise – and I highly recommend you read the entire article from Martha Beck int he April 2011 edition of ‘O’ The Oprah Magazine. Thank you Martha!

The trouble is, if you hear that often enough, particularly when you’re growing up and particularly from people who are closest to you, then you start to believe it. And their voices become your own, so in the end when a new thought or idea pops into your head you tell yourself that you can’t accomplish it.

You hear people say all the time that you really can accomplish anything that you set your mind or your heart on. Yet if you’ve had many people in your life telling you what you can’t do, then it’s hard to believe that it’s true that you can accomplish anything.

I remember several years ago having a conversation with my good friend, Karen. We both own our own businesses and we were talking about networking and the different professional women’s networking organizations that were out there. I was commenting on the fact that there were no organizations in our immediate area and that we had to travel some distance to networking meetings and events. Secretly, I was hoping that someone (perhaps even my friend) would start one. Instead, she told me that I should start one.

This was not what I had in mind because (I had taken on board very well all the comments I had heard over the years that told me what I couldn’t do) I knew I couldn’t do it. I was so sure I couldn’t do it that I couldn’t even entertain the possibility that I could. I didn’t know how to start one or to run one. I just wouldn’t know where to begin.

After that meeting though, the thought wouldn’t leave my head. A seed had been planted and all of a sudden I came to the realization that I could do it – because I didn’t have to do it all by myself. It was true, I didn’t know how to start or run such an organization, and if I tried to do it by myself I probably wouldn’t get very far. But what was true was that I knew a lot of women who did know how to do it.

So I pulled together a group of women to brainstorm the possibility and what it might look like. That group of women ended up becoming the founding board of the organization. At our first meeting we had about 200 people and we had 200 members within the first 5 months, which was pretty amazing.

What I know now is that you really can accomplish anything because you don’t have to do it all by yourself. You pull together the people who can help you – and then you really can accomplish anything.

The people who tell you that you can’t do something or who say “who do you think you are…” to do this or that are known as dream stealers. They steal your dreams either because they don’t have any of their own, or because they don’t believe in their own ability to have what they want, or sometimes because they don’t want you to become bigger than they think you should be. In their minds usually they are ‘protecting’ you from disappointment and failure. What they’re really doing is keeping you stuck and unhappy if you listen to them.

The hardest thing to overcome is when you’ve become your own dream stealer. When you’ve taken on those voices so they become your own and as soon as you think of something wonderful you’d like to do with your life, your ‘dream stealer voice’ will tell you that you cannot do it.

I once went on a week-long team building course with a company I worked for. One of the things we had to do was climbing and abseiling (rappelling) and it was one of the hardest things for me because I’m terrified of heights. On the last day the instructor asked me to climb blindfolded. This time I was not alone in thinking this was something I could not do – the whole team thought so and at first we thought the instructor was joking. But he wasn’t. He tied my scarf around my eyes and told me to climb. And I did. I made it to the top because my fellow team members told me exactly where to move my foot or my hand – they helped me get to the top (yes, that’s me climbing blindfolded in the picture). That was my first realization that you can accomplish what you think you can’t when you have the right team around you.

So identify who the dream stealers are in your life, and don’t share your ideas and dreams with them. Bring in people who will support you. Who will not only tell you that you can do it, but who will help you find the way to do it. Most of all, notice whenever your own dream stealer voice pipes up and choose to re-frame the thought from “I can’t do it” to “how can I do it?” I’ve accomplished many things this way, from authoring books to public speaking to appearing on radio and t.v. shows to starting and publishing a magazine, and many more. Surround yourself with friends coaches, mentors who not only believe you can do it, but who will help you do it.

Whenever you want to bring in something new, you must be ready to let go of something to make room for it. When you think about everything as energy, then it makes sense that in order to create something new in your life, you have to let go of old energy.

In Feng Shui we recognize this as we talk about clearing clutter or removing items that no longer have current value for you. The purpose in doing this is to remove old, negative energy that is keeping you stuck or tied to the past. This helps to make room for what you do want to come into your life.

But this doesn’t just apply to your home, or to your office environment. The same concept also applies to your personal environment – your thoughts, beliefs, actions, life situations, relationships. To be able to open up to new energies, you have to be able to let go of the old. To be able to manifest what you want, you need to let go of what no longer serves you. This is true in every area of life.

For example, if you want to lose weight, you will have to let go of something in order to have the new reality of a fit, healthy body:

• You may have to let go of hurts from the past that have caused you to gain weight now

• You may have to let go of beliefs that do not serve you – such as I’m not good enough or feeling that you need to be ‘invisible.’

• You may need to let go of old habits, such as eating unhealthy foods and not exercising.

• You may need to let go of people who are not supportive – who encourage you to eat what is not good for you and tell you that eating healthily and exercising are a waste of time.

• You may need to let go of feelings of guilt or shame and non-acceptance so that you can learn to accept yourself and love yourself enough to do what you need to do to have the body that you want.

If you want to attract a loving relationship:

• You may have to let go of hurts and disappointments from past relationships

• You may have to let go of limiting beliefs, such as I don’t deserve to be loved

• You may have to let go of people in your life who tell you that you can’t have what you want, or who are not supportive.

There is a saying, and I’m not sure where it comes from, but it’s very appropriate here: “To reach for something greater, you must first let go of what’s in your hand.” I think that sums it up quite nicely.

If your life is already full, you will have trouble attracting new experiences and opportunities. You’ll have to let go of something to make room for what you want.

You can certainly use your environment to help you with this. When you let go of physical things in your home or work space, you are releasing energy that you don’t need. This, in turn, will help your personal energy and will help you to let go of people, situations, beliefs, etc., that no longer serve you.

Even more interestingly, when you actively look for what is no longer serving you in your life with the intention of letting it go – new, unexpected and wonderful opportunities just start showing up.

Some people do have difficulty with affirmations though – such as affirming that you’re wealthy when the bills are piling up. It can be hard to believe what you’re saying in the affirmation. If you’ve ever had that experience, or if you hesitate to use affirmations because of that, you might want to consider an alternative method.

This method doesn’t have to be used instead of affirmations, it can be used along with affirmations, but if you’re having a hard time with them, this can really help.

The method I’m referring to is the one of asking living questions. I was reminded of this recently by my business coach. It was something I had used before but forgotten about. So I started doing it again and so have been reminded of just how effective it is.

A living question is simply a question that does not have a definitive answer – that’s why it’s a living question, you keep asking it of yourself. So an example would be something like: “how can I receive a pay raise in my job?” or “how can I resolve my sleep issues?”

When you first ask the question, you may have no idea of what an answer would look like. Or, you may get some ideas coming up that you can explore. The idea is to keep asking the question every day. A few times a day is good. Before you go to sleep is particularly good.

You might wonder what is the point of asking a question you don’t know the answer to. But actually this works in the same way that affirmations do. As you continue to ask the question, a wonderful thing happens. Your brain is on a mission to find the answers that you need. You’ll start to find that ideas come to you that you hadn’t thought of before. People show up who can help you achieve what you want or who have information that will help you. The Universe just conspires to make it happen. But if you use affirmations only – and find yourself not really believing them, using these questions can really help.

Of course, just as with affirmations the questions need to be realistic. So if I started to ask “how can I play tennis as well as Roger Federer?”  it won’t work. Simply because it’s not possible – that’s a question I already know the answer to. But I could continue to ask: “how can I continue to improve my tennis game and move up to the next level?” or something like that then my brain would be on a mission to find anything and everyone who can help me.

This method is so simple that many people discount it or forget to do it. Just because you don’t know the answer to something today doesn’t mean that you won’t have it accomplished within the next 6 months or a year. But rather than trying to figure out the answer, or trying to make it happen, I like to think of it as you allowing the Universe to bring the answers to you – you don’t need to use your mind for this.

So I encourage you to give it a try. Write your questions down, as you would with affirmations. Say them in the same way you would with affirmations. Put them in the relevant Feng Shui life areas, as you would with affirmations and see what shows up!

Linda Binns
“The Feng Shui Success Strategist”

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